better than and not quite what was hoped for

Today in my first day on the labor and delivery floor, I saw a C-section, just over a year since my last C-section. This time, I was on the other side of the sterile field, with full view of the skin, muscle, uterus, and then, baby. I was focused on the surgery, the approach and the closure, but when the baby started crying, I had to push out a torrent of memory that came from last October.

It wasn't until I was home this evening, feeding Phoebe the bedtime bottle and staring down at her lashes, her red cheeks, and her carefree hair with a hint of auburn, that I remembered what Emily wanted on October 15th and what she got on October 16th. She had hoped for a normal birth at 40 weeks with no complications and a baby in the car-seat coming home the next day. She was indignant when the OB suggested a C-section and shocked to tears when she was compelled to oblige. She was broken after weeks of daily visits to the hospital nursery to see her child and then to leave her child.

But now, after this year, it is hard to account for a little girl so full of smiles and joyous outbursts, who was then inconceivable and even now is miraculous.